Piranhas…on a Boat…in 3D

Blood, Gore, and Nudity. In 3D. Disgusted, or intrigued?

Piranha 3D

starring Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell, Steven R. McQueen, Kelly Brook, Adam Scott, Riley Steele

directed by Alexandre Aja

Upon first seeing the trailer for Piranha 3D, my jaw dropped and I wondered at how anyone could finance such an obvious piece of crap, much less pay for a movie ticket to see it. However, my motto is that you can’t trash the flick until you’ve seen the flick. Piranha 3D has two things going for it: it’s a remake of the Roger Corman cult classic, and director Alexandre Aja has already successfully remade a horror flick in 2006 with The Hills Have Eyes. Honestly, this flick could go either way.

Jake Forester (McQueen) has spent the last few spring breaks babysitting his little brother and sister instead of being out on the lake in all of the proverbial Spring Break action. Jake is determined to make this year different; he sneaks out and plays tour guide for the visiting director of the Wild Wild Girls adult videos, Derrick Jones (O’Connell). Plus, the two ‘actresses’ he’s brought along, Danni (Brook) and Crystal (Steele) are really, really nice to look at. Meanwhile on the other side of the lake, Jake’s mom Julie (Shue), the Sheriff for the area, is out on a fact finding mission with seismologist Novak (Scott). An earthquake has opened a rift in the bed of the lake, which uncovers newly discovered subterranean lake. Little known to the Sheriff, this hidden cavern has released an ancient killing machine; and with all the bodies in the lake this week, there is sure to be blood in the water.

There’s two kinds of horror films in my book. First, there’s serious Horror; this consists of movies that actually aim to terrify their audience in some fashion. Think The Exorcist, Paranormal Activity, or even Psycho. Then, there is camp Horror, or what I like to call Bubble Gum horror. These films generally focus on three things: a dirty and stupid sense of humor, a ridiculously massive amount of gore, and more gratuitous nudity than you can shake a stick at. Think The Evil Dead or Cabin Fever. Its my belief that Piranha 3D intends to be campy horror, and it definitely holds nothing back. The dick and fart jokes are prevalent. With red blood churning waters, chewed to the bone corpses, and an absurd amount of over the top death scenes, its obvious gore is a factor. Plus, when you’ve got underwater clips of model Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele swimming naked together, not to mention Spring Break wet t-shirt contests, you’ve got your gratuitous nudity in abundance. Like it or not, Piranha 3D fits the bill perfectly.

Good acting is not really a factor in these kinds of films, but I will comment on some of the more entertaining bits of acting. Eli Roth’s cameo is typical of something he’d sign up for; he’s the unnamed guy that runs the wet t-shirt contest. When all the mayhem starts, instead of getting eaten, he gets his head split in two by colliding boats. Its gruesome. Jerry O’Connell is hilarious as Derrick Jones; he perfectly mimmicks Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame. And lets just say that he looses a particular body part to the piranhas along the way. But the best cameo of all goes to Richard Dreyfuss; he plays an old fisherman that first finds out about the piranhas. He is introduced to the screen, sitting in a boat and fishing, singing along to “Show Me The Way To Go Home.” Its a blatant Jaws reference, and kudos to Aja for adding it in.

Say what you want about the preview or the idea behind Piranha 3D, but it is entertaining none the less. It is Snakes on a Plane, only Piranhas on a Boat. Sure, it has its flaws. For one, the price of a 3D ticket really is a bit expensive for what you get out of it. Also, coming in at an hour and thirty minutes, it feels like only half of a flick. Don’t get me wrong; the way Aja ends it is intentional, and I get it, but it cuts the joy ride way too short. I’d compare it to any of the Twilight films; you may not like the content, but you can’t deny that it is every bit what it is meant to be. Piranha 3D is what it is, and it does it very well.

If you go see this, go see it for the brutality of the creative gore and have a good laugh at it. Otherwise, stay far, far away from this film. It is definitely not for you. Plus, for those of you who’ve ever wanted to see boobs on a massive screen in 3D, here’s your chance.