The End Is Nigh.

If you have a prop plane and a winnebago, you can in fact survive the apocalypse.

2012

starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Thomas McCarthy, Woody Harrelson, Danny Glover

directed by Roland Emmerich

Conspiracy theorists, as is their prerogative, have been skewing the meaning of the Mayan calendar for years. In fact, there is nothing about December 21, 2012 that says anything about apocalypse or world ending or anything. It is simply an astrological date for a alignment of the planets, as well as the sun with the center of the Milky Way. Now scientifically, there is a lot of what ifs, but its all theoretical. But leave it up to Hollywood and director Roland Emmerich to come up with a way to make yet another ‘disaster’ movie. If you don’t remember Emmerich, he gave us the eye candy of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. So, even as cliche as it is, the man who knows disaster takes the latest doom’s day scenario and makes a movie about it; set, of course, in the year 2012.

Intitially we meet Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor) who is the geologist that determines the Earth’s core is melting at an alarming pace. He informs the president (Glover) that in a matter of years, the Earth’s crust will shift violently and cause major earthquakes and tsunamis. Basically, and end of world scenario. President Wilson informs the leaders of the world at a G8 summit, and a plan is formed to save what can be saved of humanity. Flash forward to 2012 as the events start to happen. Jackson Curtis (Cusack) is in Yellowstone National park on a camping trip with his children. He meets Charlie (Harrelson), a radio show host that preaches the end is coming in 2012, and that the government knows about it. Jackson chalks him up as eccentric, but a series of events and hints convinces him Charlie is right. Jackson gets his children and ex wife (Peet) and they make a mad dash for humanity’s last hope while the rest of the world collapses around them. California is wipes from the map by earthquakes. Las Vegas falls in to the Earth. The Vatican comes crashing down. Plus, the areas that aren’t effected by the earthquakes are overcome by massive tsunamis. What is the plan for salvation, and will Jackson get there in time?

This is your typical disaster movie. The plot is incredibly thin, and it only serves to push a few characters through some really big special effects drama. There is little to care about in the main character of Jackson. He’s a failed author and a failed husband and failed father, but managing to survive multiple deaths in the apocalypse does not make me a better man. There’s no character growth. And, sad to say, as good of an actor as Cusackcan be, he added absolutely nothing to his part. He just read the script. Danny Glover was a cool idea for President, but again, he brought nothing special to the part. Acting was mostly par and sub par. The only cool character of the crazy radio conspiracy theorist Charlie played by Woody Harrelson. He’s hilarious, captivating, and the only worthy character of the film.

But back to the plot. It was way cliche. Not only is there crazy impossible things happening such as a plane flying between two falling building and surviving twice; a limo out races a fault line that is taking down the city around it; aWinnebago avoiding falling debris from a volcano. But there is your other set of cliches. The opportunity for several big speeches about humanity and how we’re not human if we don’t care. The family brought back together by tragedy. People staring at a wall of water and yet ready to go. Peacefully. You could even find it offensive that almost everytime someone starts to pray…they die. Its everything you’ve ever seen in a disaster movie, just on a much larger scale. The destruction is totally overboard and awesome to behold, but a movie can’t stand alone on visuals. You have to care about what happens to the people involved, or you’ll just start laughing when they die. Like I did.

Maybe one day Hollywood will learn special effects cannot be the sole driving force in a film. But probably not. It was not a total waste of time, but as the movie sits at a long two hours and thirty six minutes, it felt way too long for the content I was given. As a film, I’d give it a star, but I’m giving it another star solely for the eye candy; because at the end of the day it was quite pleasing. Go see it for a cool vision for the end of the world, but don’t expect much. If you decide to skip it, I could totally see why and would actually probably respect you for it. Netflix it in a few months if otherwise curious.

And next time you hear a crazy man on the radio predicting doom, you might want to take your finger off the dial just a second and pay attention.